About a year ago, I found myself in deep distress.  I was haunted by hurts, wrongs, and deceptions that had taken place in my past.  Whenever I thought of two people in my life, I found myself dissolving in tears or being angry.  And it seemed that whenever these thoughts occurred I spent all my time marching around and around my hurt.  My head sometimes ached from the sheer weight of worry these past situations caused.  At night I lay awake revisiting the hurts, remembering the wounds caused by the words these people had spoken and grieving over the losses they had created in my life.

Eventually I became sick of this constant parade.  It was ruining a relationship I wanted very much to repair. It was ruining my ability to be caring and compassionate.  And my husband was sick of my continual whining and crying and moaning over these past hurts.

Then one morning I read these words in my bible:

'Do not make idols or set up an image or a sacred stone for yourselves, and do not place a carved stone in your land to bow down before it. I am the LORD your God.
Leviticus 26:1

My breath caught in my throat.  I clearly saw my heart as a heart of stone.  I'd hardened my heart against another. Then I pulled out my dictionary and looked up the meaning of the word 'sacred'.

So I began to pray forgiveness over those two individuals.  Immediately, of course, that was put to the test.  I had to spend a great deal of time with one of those individuals, the one who had caused the majority of problems between myself and the second individual whom I needed to forgive.  Daily I went to that home and cared for the person who had so wounded me.  Daily I had to pray, multiple times a day, "Lord, help me to forgive.  Lord, help me to be loving and kind.  Lord, help me to release these hurts."  It wasn't easy.  Often this person wounded me repeatedly in a day's time with hurtful words and actions.  It seemed there wasn't a day that went by that this person didn't tell others again and again, in my presence, how lacking I was in my attentions, how little I did for them, how selfish I was.  And yet, I had to return the next day and the next and continue to give my services. 

Did I want to quit?  Oh yes!  Everyday when I left to return to my own home I'd think I couldn't possibly bear to return the next day.  But every day that came along, I got up and went back.  It wasn't that I wanted to do so, it was that I had to do it.  My husband asked me once "Why?  Why, when this is so awful for you must you return?"  And I could only say with tears in my eyes, "Because I can't possibly begin to forgive unless I show the love I also have." 

The time I cared for this individual stretched into months. It involved perserverance. It involved sacrifice of time I'd much rather have spent in my home tending to my family, and sacrificing my work.   I had to go before God daily, sometimes sevearl times a day, and pray for strength, pray for understanding, pray for healing in my own life.  And that's where the real change took place.  Instead of revisiting those old hurts, instead of parading around and around my stone heart, I had to lean upon God himself and ask for his help, his love, trust him to mend the broken places.

You might think, given the last entry date, that something important has been ongoing in my life, something that is so consuming and so riveting that I hadn't time to write. Yes and  No.  I have been busy fighting a few battles on different fronts and I'm weary.

About a week ago, I came across a Smith Wigglesworth daily devotional in the bookstore.  I hadn't planned to go in that morning, nor had I planned to buy anything when I arrived.   I was merely transporting out of state guests to the bookstore as requested.  But as I walked by a shelf the name jumped out at me.  I've heard a great deal about Smith Wigglesworth in the past six months and this is the first time I've found anything with his name upon it.

Last night when my husband came in from work, the cares of the world were heavy upon him.  We've been bombarded heavily for the past six weeks.  First a dear friend died at a young age after a brief and tragic illness in which we had prayed for a miracle healing.  Later that week, my husband and I drove to Lakeland, Florida for that incredible outpouring of Holy Spirit that is going on.  There we were in an area of massive miraculous healings and I got sick.  Yes, we had a miracle healing occur, but I was still sick!  One ER visit later, I found myself in constant pain for nearly a month as the healing took place.  And with a hefty hospital bill to boot.

Then we began to experience various other problems, some minor, some not so minor.  The coffee maker bit the dust.  The satellite went down not once but twice for more than a week at the time, necessitating repairs and finally replacement.  The Air conditioner needed a repair and that too came with a hefty price.  Our daughter gave us some grave concern for a few days until a certain matter at school righted itself.  Husband and I argued over this and that, one issue a recurring theme that has hurt me and done damage because I've left it unaddressed.  'Fessing up brought anger and tears and weeping and silence, a temporary standoff and then digging up once more to find something that resembled a reasonable solution to us both.  

With guests coming in and no place to bed them, we rented a local hotel room for 8 nights.  Another heavy bill, one we didn't mind paying, but had not planned for either.  Husband's work and certain aspects of our church have given us nights and days of worries and indecision.  Guests who came into our home brought with them a lot of angst and woes and left us floundering. 

The increased prices in gasoline and groceries and goods has left us reeling and our checkbook straining.  We had been in deep discussion about where and how to cut back and what we could manage without just now.  Some of the changes are going to be difficult.  We've always lived pretty tightly to a strict budget and we've only allowed ourselves a very few luxuries.  Those would have to go.  Pleasurable things all.

And then we found ourselves having to go back into debt, when we've been so blessedly free of it for the past year.  Our AC unit died completely.  For the first few hours we talked brave and hard about living without it, we could manage, we'd lived without for years prior to this home, etc.  It took exactly one night in near 95F temperatures to come to the conclusion that in other homes we might well have managed, but in this one we simply can't.  We called for a quote and bought a new unit after negotiating a loan, and spending a night searching our budget for stretching room to make the payments.  We found it, but that already tightened budget is going to be downright unpleasant and require more than a little stoic effort and sacrifice on our parts.

SIGH.  SIGH.  SIGH.

It's been a hard six weeks.  We've been battling personal demons and temptations and frustrations in addition to all we've faced together.  We've felt our faith lag and shored it up and felt much as the father who cried out to Jesus, "I believe.  Help my unbelief!"  We know all too well from whence that cry came.  And we're battle weary.  Really weary.  And so last night I picked up the devotional book I'd laid aside for the past few days because I was too weary to even prep myself for the next round of battles.  And I read the suggested scripture and then the devotional itself.  One sentence leaped out at me:

"We never get into a new place until we come out of the old one." *see "reading now" at top of page for source*

Hadn't I just heard a message about a group of people traveling 900 miles to a new country, people who had stopped to fast and pray and to ask for direction and protection? Just yesterday our pastor preached over a certain passage in Ezra 8:21 in his father's day sermon. 

21 There, by the Ahava Canal, I proclaimed a fast, so that we might humble ourselves before our God and ask him for a safe journey for us and our children, with all our possessions.(NIV)

For myself, what stood out was that they stopped in the midst of their journey to pray and fast. Wasn't I aware that I too was going on to a new place, but had been hanging on tooth and nail to the old place in habits if nothing else?  It was time to mark the changes that had taken place and to ask for new direction and protection. 

Suddenly I knew just what had to be done. I too needed to spend time in prayer and fasting.  I listed the four areas where we needed answers right now:  Our church, husband's vocation, our children, and our finances.  And then I began to pray about the kind of fast God required of me.  I searched and searched, thought of this area and that.  And I discarded them all because none seemed quite right. 

Then as I went back to reread the devotional again, to let it soak fully into my spirit, I suddenly knew just what I had to fast.  It's a small pleasure but one I look forward to daily.  And God has asked me to give it up for a certain time.  My flesh cried out in protest, yet I knew just why God required me to give up that one little thing.  Because it's going to mean a real sacrifice on my part to give it up.  I think about that little thing all throughout the day.  Giving it up is going to mean that all through the day I am conscious of the need for prayer in those areas where we've  been struggling lately. 

Please don't think I'm complaining.  Not yet, anyway!lol  But you see it's been a really difficult time for us.  We've shed more tears, lost more sleep and worried more in the past six weeks than we've done in more than three years.  And something has to change.   God has shown me the areas where we're being attacked and what to do to show my earnestness in winning our battles.  I am deeply grateful for that and just wanted to share because for me, it's still amazing that God takes time to deal with me one on one.  He is so concerned for me and my cares that he illuminates passages and brings messages to me right where I am.   At this time, I happen to be on a battlefield and I'm tired and I'm weary and I'm careworn.  And when He does things like this, I feel uplifted and able to stand once more to face the enemies that come against me.  Praise His Holy Name!

Over the last few years, I've become increasingly aware that a great deal of my unhappiness in life has been due to broken relationships.  My father was an alcoholic...my mom had her own demons to deal with as a co-dependent and compulsive being.  My brothers and I drifted apart due to lack of trust (stemming back to the alcoholism).  My grandmother and I never shared a close and loving relationship due to the violent nature of my alcholic uncle.  My eldest child and I often had issues that drove a wedge between us.  Two of my  children were  dealing with issues of broken relationships with their father.  My granddaughters now live so far away and are so seldom available when I make phone calls that I felt they too had been torn from me.  And our eldest son lives on the West coast, recently married and announced his intentions to avoid the east coast altogether in his future...

One night I got mad.  I got really mad.  And I began to scream and cry and shout and I told Satan just what I thought of all the broken relationships in my life.  I told him I'd enough.  That I wasn't gonna take it anymore.  I drew a line in the sand and dared him to do any more damage in my life or to cause me anymore unhappiness.  And then my daugher and I had a falling out and she told me to stay out of her life forever.  In the face of Satan's latest attack I did the only thing I could do.  I laughed.  I laughed and I smiled and I carried on quite naturally.  My husband was astonished.  "How is this so?  When this has happened in the past you've gone all to pieces!"  I nodded.  "Yes, but I know something now.  Had I not been a threat to his hold on my life, he'd never have attacked me in this area.  But God will restore my relationship with my daughter.  I have complete faith in that."

A few weeks ago, after losing her grandfather my eldest did write a brief note.  "Write me, Mama.  Write anything.  Just write."  It was the first time since our falling out that she'd reached out.   So I began to write her of the nothing and the everyday.  The ordinary stuff of homemaking and family life and nature.  And she asked that I write her a little everyday, even if she didn't reply.  So I've kept on. 

I've been working my way very slowly, very very slowly, despite my quick reading habits, the book Face To Face With God by Bill Johnson.  I determined that I'd spend this year getting to know God, really getting to know Him.  And this book, while not intended as part of my study (I had two others based on the Names of God that I was using) was a gift to my husband at Christmas time.  Little did I know that this book is written from the standpoint of getting to know God.

The book is filled to the brim with gems that send me into tears, or wonder, or joy.  In one chapter, the author mentions that God so loved Adam and Eve that he came to earth to walk with them.  It hit me suddenly that God wanted to know us, wanted us to know him, wanted to walk daily with each of us.  I wept.  But last night I could only sit in stunned wonder at the words on the page in front of me. 

This isn't an exact quote but the gist of what the author said: Since Adam and Eve fell into sin, the relationship between God and man has been broken.  God has worked every thing from that moment to bring us back into a relationship with Him.

How could I have thought God didn't care about my broken relationships?  How could I have thought I was alone in my grief at the number of broken relationships in my life?  How much it means to me that God has been working on my behalf to restore broken relationships in my life!  He gave me the opportunity to restore the relationship between my father and I when my dad became ill and it was necessary for me to care for his daily needs.  He restored my relationship with my surviving brother when we faced daddy's illness and the subsequent legal tangle together  after his death.  He had worked to restore the relationship with my daughter through her grandfather's passing. 

Because He understood all along.  He was grieved by our broken relationship with Him.  He wanted to bring restoration to my life, into our relationship with each other!  Praise God.  He understands and He cares!